the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
