literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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