I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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