Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
