i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
