Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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