you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
