bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
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