I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
