I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
