butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
