I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
