I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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