i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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