I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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