Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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