Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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