I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
