I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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