EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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