dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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