I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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