Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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