i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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