There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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