Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
