I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
