Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize