I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
