I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
