He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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