if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
