im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
