I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
