ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
