I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
