Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize