where am i from again
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
