Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
