i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize