I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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