Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
