She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Even my vagina gasped.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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