My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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