If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
