mondays should just be called national damage control day
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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