In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
