Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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