im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
