Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
