im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
