also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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