hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
