I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
