Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
