I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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